I dont think Id last 5 minutes in an organised crime career mainly because I ask too many questions. I asked one today about how an entrenpreneur makes his money from this commercialised ‘socialised’ art project I visited. Whenever I ask such a piercing question it feels like this scooping chasm appears in my chest with a black wave whooshing over it. I end up looking into space when I ask such things and as I’ve already started the question, I end up finishing it. I don’t realise how invasive the question is until halfway through saying it. No wonder people get so defensive around me. I just don’t notice this defensiveness until long afterwards in hindsight. I also don’t regret asking the questions to be honest.
The university essay I’m writing at the moment is like a damn illness. I got a deadline extension on it a month ago and its due a week today. It on the ability of arts community projects to raise social capital. I was working in an arts organisation and planned to do a case study based on a project they did last year but for some mysterious reason they wouldn’t give me any data for it or answer a few questions. So in other words I was really let down by them. So I was stuck then for data on some arts projects. Luckily my lecturer helped in finding some new ones for me but this essay is still with me. its remained 80% complete for like 3 weeks now and I can’t get it over the line. It keeps expanding and expanding with no great progress on my literature review. Ive never actually written a literature review before. Ive made some progress today with it so now its 85%. Its just like churning rather than progressing. Im visiting an arts project tomorrow and I hope they answered my little questionnaire I sent them for data. This damn essay needs boxing off by Thursday as this week I officially start my dissertation. I’ll have 3 months this week to do it. Ive been finding every possible method of procrastinating over it. Ive got to get structured and disciplined about it and ask for help when I’m really stuck.
I go out alone and I drink alone when I go out. I drink to feel a connection with everyone else in the room and to have an excuse if to go up to people and talk. It also gives me an excuse if I say something eccentric. I smoke too which is pretty stupid and again a purely social thing. I don’t rely on alcohol and I don’t need it to function but drinking does have a self destructive element to it for me. When I do drink I don’t just have one, I drink to get drunk. This is quite a British/Irish/American drinking culture.
When I do drink I look around at everyone in the bar/club and see the same looks and acts of lost people. I think I drink more because I’m bored than anything. Its a way to pass the hours and I delude myself into thinking that drinking for the purpose of getting drunk is a form of work and attainment. Its extremely rare that I drink or smoke at home and its only when I know I have to be out in public in a crowded or noisy place. I have an undercurrent of anxiety that alcohol and smoking tranquillises me to. Its still there but I forget about it.
One thing I’ve been doing in more recent times is posting things on social media when I get home drunk which is very personal or confessions of repetitive, intrusive thoughts from OCD. These intrusive thoughts are often violent or about suicide. This social media sharing and drunk texting to girls obviously makes the morning hangover ten times worse. I think theres a part of me that does all this out of depression and expression of frustration. I don’t do all this from a happy internal place. It comes from a really dark place, a place that must scare even me, hence the denial and cognitive distortions I have about myself.
Somewhere along the line I’ve disconnected myself from my real thoughts and feelings in order to protect myself from more hurt. This disconnection internally then causes me to desperately seek connections from others externally. However in order to do that and deal with all the anxieties that go with that I’ve acquired some bad habits.